i want to buy a lot of hermit crabs and make them live together.
People say "those hermit crabs?"
I say "not anymore"
these are mingling crabs.
everything is pocket-sized if your ass is big enough.
these are new pyjamas. they have pockets. which is great because before that, i used to have to hold things when I slept.
When I wake up in the morning I have to check my outfit to see if everything's ok. Like if i wake up with pyjamas on, i think "cool. I planned this."
When I wake up naked, first I have to check my surroundings. Like, "I'm naked, ok, she's pretty cute.
what's he doing here?"
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your team mates are bad guessers.
The only worst time would be in a game of fake heart attack, followed by naps.
Somewhere I learned, at a party, that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
location location location.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
"what are these?"
"those are orange....oranges."
"what about these?"
When they were naming the vitamins they must have thought that there were way more vitamins than there ended up being. They were like
"Ok lets start at the top
"ok slow down, we've got a lot to cover"
"B2. B3. B4, B5, B6, B12"
then they got to E and they were like
"aw crap. We're pretty much done. We got all those B's. Let's skip to K and get the hell out of here"
Sort of is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. Its just a filler. I doesn't really mean anything, but to certain things it sort of means everything. Like after
I love you
you're going to live
It's a Boy!
I heard this lady say, "i love kids". That's nice. Little weird though. It's like saying
"I Like people...for a little while"It's like
"how old are you? 14? fuck off"
You can say "i love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get into trouble.
" I like twelve year olds"
I was on the street, and i saw this guy wave to me, and he came up to me and said
"i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else"
and I said
every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal
If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word ladies to the ends of everything you say. You could be saying something harmless too, like
"Thanx for coming to the show...ladies"
"Help! I've fallen into a well and Im trapped!...ladies. C'mon ladies, it's like a jucuzzi with really high walls"
"I love the beach. I like to get there really early, before everybody shows up, take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw em into the water. And then I wait for everone to come to the beach, and when one of them picks up one of the bottles I go up behind them, cos when they open it, it says
I'm standing right behind you.
when you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. only catapaults.
I walked into a card store and there was a card that said
"get well soon"
get well NOW
ahh. funny guy.