demetri martin

i want to buy a lot of hermit crabs and make them live together.
People say "those hermit crabs?"
I say "not anymore"
these are mingling crabs.

everything is pocket-sized if your ass is big enough.

these are new pyjamas. they have pockets. which is great because before that, i used to have to hold things when I slept.

When I wake up in the morning I have to check my outfit to see if everything's ok. Like if i wake up with pyjamas on, i think "cool. I planned this."
When I wake up naked, first I have to check my surroundings. Like, "I'm naked, ok, she's pretty cute.
what's he doing here?"

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your team mates are bad guessers.
The only worst time would be in a game of fake heart attack, followed by naps.

Somewhere I learned, at a party, that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
location location location.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
"what are these?"
"those are orange....oranges."
"what about these?"
"aw crap"

When they were naming the vitamins they must have thought that there were way more vitamins than there ended up being. They were like
"Ok lets start at the top
vitamin A"
"keep going"
"vitamin B"
"ok slow down, we've got a lot to cover"
"B2. B3. B4, B5, B6, B12"
then they got to E and they were like
"aw crap. We're pretty much done. We got all those B's. Let's skip to K and get the hell out of here"

Sort of is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. Its just a filler. I doesn't really mean anything, but to certain things it sort of means everything. Like after
I love you
or
you're going to live
or
It's a Boy!

I heard this lady say, "i love kids". That's nice. Little weird though. It's like saying
"I Like people...for a little while"It's like
"how old are you? 14? fuck off"

You can say "i love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get into trouble.
" I like twelve year olds"

I was on the street, and i saw this guy wave to me, and he came up to me and said
"i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else"
and I said
"I am"

every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word ladies to the ends of everything you say. You could be saying something harmless too, like
"Thanx for coming to the show...ladies"
"Help! I've fallen into a well and Im trapped!...ladies. C'mon ladies, it's like a jucuzzi with really high walls"

"I love the beach. I like to get there really early, before everybody shows up, take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw em into the water. And then I wait for everone to come to the beach, and when one of them picks up one of the bottles I go up behind them, cos when they open it, it says
I'm standing right behind you.

when you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. only catapaults.

I walked into a card store and there was a card that said
"get well soon"
fuck that
get well NOW


ahh. funny guy.

I told you so.

WOW

the english band 7 seconds of love (see earlier post) have created THE MOST AMAZING SONG IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MUSIC INCLUDING ANYTHING THE BEATLES EVER WROTE
and if you know me, that is a very big thing to say.
"my cats got knees"
you start out a sceptic, but it just.... TAKES OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am listening to it even now......................
oh yes.................................................
repeat over and over again to your children
and I guarantee they will all turn out to be neuroscientists
......ive got a cat hes got some knees uh-uh.........

Behold his squirrelly wrath!

ever since I was in grade 5 each year I have chosen a particular animal to obsess over. First it was chikins (it is supposed to be spelt that way), then it was gophers, walrus, penguins..........

I am pleased to anounce that this years animal is a squirrel!!!
I have come to this with the help of Jonathan Ian Mathers, a squirrelly genius and the creator of a cartoon called Neurotically Yours, which features a goth chick named Germaine and her pet talking squirrel Foamy. Foamy and his weird friends (Pilz-E, the Hatta, and Begley) rant, annoy and cavort their way into greatness.
Germaine is voiced by Dawn Bennet, although everything else is done by Mr. Mathers. Other characters include Anchovie, Germaine's weird stalker guy, Franklin, the most likely gay barrista of star shmucks coffee houses, and Mammed, the Indian who works at the technical support at Smell computers.

www.illwillpress.com - the main site, with scripts, shop, email, downloads and the cartoons, although not a lot of them work and it doesn't feature all 93 (this number maybe wrong as new cartoons are constantly being made)

www.drunkensquirrel.net - forum, and all the cartoons up and running

www.friendsoffoamy.com - forum, cartoons, unofficial episodes, trivia, mp3's and gallery

www.scrubalicious.net/ny/ - a fanlisting website, sorted by country. very organised.

poem

friendship
is like
wee
in your pants
everyone
can see it
but only you
can feel
its true warmth.
thankyou
for being
the wee
in my pants.

more paku panda!

Paku Panda

there is a new craze sweeping japan- Paku Panda!
here is how its done:
1. buy some paku pandas
2. buy a camera
3. arrange the pandas
4. take a photo!

i have......

i have....

(0) smoked a cigarette
(0) crashed a relative's car
(0) Got drunk with a good friend
(0) stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(0) shoplifted
(0) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(0) seen my child being born
(0) been arrested
(0) gone on a blind date
(x) skipped school
(x) seen someone die
(0) been to Canada
(0) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(0) eaten Sushi
(0) been skiing.. snowboarding
(x) been moshing at a concert
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) lain on my back and watched cloud shapes go by
(0) made a snow angel
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(0) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
(x) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
(0) felt an earthquake/tremor
(0) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(0) run a red light
(0) been suspended from school
(0) been in a car crash
(0) had braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(0) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned my heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(0) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swum in the ocean
(x) written a speech
(0) felt like dying
(x) written a song
(x) cried myself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently coloured with crayons
(x) sung karaoke
(0) been interviewed on the radio
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something I told myself I wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose
(x) caught a snowflake on my tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(0) sold an drawing to a stranger
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(0) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone I cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(0) made a bonfire on the beach
(0) crashed a party
(x) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(0) ate dog/cat food
(0) been married
(x) told a complete stranger I loved them
(0) kissed a mirror
(x) sung in the shower
(x) run away from home
(0) cheated on someone
(0) had a dream that I married someone
(x) glued my hand to something
(0) got my tongue stuck to a flag pole
(0) kissed a fish
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of my lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(0) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(0) stayed awake for more than three days
(x) had a tree house
(x) believed in ghosts
(x) started a fire
(0) owned more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(0) gone streaking
(x) gone doorbell ditching
(0) played chicken
(x) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all my clothes on
(x) been told I're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(0) served on a jury
(x) punched an inanimate object
(x) caught a fish then ate it (but I cooked it before eating it)
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) cheated on a test
(x) embarrassed myself on stage
(x) owned a Britney Spears CD/Tape
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) driven a boat
(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(0) gone skinny dipping in the ocean
(0) been kicked out of my house
(x) have had a fantasy over someone I love as a good friend
(0) sun tanned naked
(0) run naked in the rain
(0) loved someone who didn’t love me

all i can say is....man i sound boring